Seriously, can I smack Luke Wilson now?

You have a product. You want to sell your product. You'd like to sell your product to me.
So you advertise. You try to convince me that your product is better than the other guy's similar product. And you make compelling arguments. But there's a catch. See, if I use your product where I would need to use your product, you'll stop me from using your product. So why, pray tell, are you advertising to me?

You see, AT&T, we're at a bit of an impasse. According to your map, I'm in the middle of a great big "Partner" area. And, according to the footnotes linked, "excessive use of Partner coverage may subject [my] service to early termination... Data services may not be available." To get out of the Partner coverage area, I have to go at least 75 miles from home. Besides, we can't very well count your non-affiliated partner's coverage in with yours, now can we? And as for that 3G coverage you keep bragging on, we're talking 130 miles before you say I can even get the signal.

So why, AT&T -- nee Cingular nee SBC nee Southwestern Bell -- do you keep advertising to me?

Hell, I can't even browse your calling plans... because you don't have any for my area. Or Dodge City. Or Larned. Or Greensburg. Or Jetmore. Or Great Bend. Or Pratt. Or Hays. Or Liberal. Or Garden City. Or any other damn city within an hour's drive. I should know; I entered their zip codes to your finder, too.

So please, stop getting Luke Wilson's smug all over my living room. Because when all the comparisons to other cell phone companies you throw up can be shot down by a single answer -- that being, "Maybe so, but if it doesn't work where I need it to, it's useless to me" -- all your ad accomplishes is to piss me off... enough that I switched away from your landline service.